“Either we go for counseling or I can’t go on.”
That was my strong ultimatum to my first husband.
Dear friend, this piece is difficult for me to share. From the time I was young, I vowed to my mom, dad, and close friends that I would never, never, never get divorced.
Three generations before me had been divorced, and I was determined to break the cycle.
I knew firsthand the pain that divorce caused for my brother and me, as well as for my parents, family, and friends. I struggled with a sense of belonging. I was always aware of my poor self-esteem, comparing myself to those who came from intact families.
I loved people and always strove to look good on the outside while feeling insecure on the inside. Perhaps that’s how we all feel.
Thankfully, the Lord has balm for all of our growing pains.
Relationships Are Built, Not Just Born
In a Christian marriage, we exchange traditional wedding vows to one another:
“I, _____, take thee _____, to be my wedded _____, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, for as long as we both shall live.”
We acknowledge Christ as the Cornerstone of our marriage, the foundational stone on which the Marriage Stone is built.
In architectural terms, Christ is also the Keystone of a marriage.
This Keystone is the central stone at the summit of an arch, locking the whole of the arch together. The Keystone is the Stone upon which everything else depends. It is the stone that takes all the stress of the structure upon itself, meaning Christ takes all the stress of our marriage upon Himself when we offer up and surrender our marriages to Him.
How can you build a strong marriage to withstand the winds of time without the Cornerstone and Keystone of your marriage being Christ?
Suppose you and your spouse plan to build your forever house on your chosen location.
Your builder will ask you several questions: Do you have architectural plans? Have you thought about your foundation? What materials will support the foundation? How much time and care are you prepared to invest to build a house that will last for a lifetime? Are you committed to invest whatever it takes?
All those same questions apply to building a strong marriage. Ask them early and don’t rest until you get answers you both agree on. Marriage is sacred. And it is critical that you both share the same understanding of God’s role in your marriage.
Being equally yoked, as the Bible puts it when two Christians marry, makes the marriage stronger. The plow moves together and more efficiently and smoothly when both are in agreement.
When you both share a love for God, no one and nothing can separate you. He alone can bring health, healing, and redemption, although sometimes it comes later after the marriage has ended.
Prayerful Preparation for Here and Now
One of the greatest privileges for parents and grandparents is that of praying for our children and grandchildren’s spouses. I thank God that He hears my prayers for my grandchildren, most of whom are presently unmarried.
Pray for your spouse always, even before you marry. One good exercise when you are praying for your spouse-to-be is to sit down with pen and paper and think of all the qualities you would most like to have in a spouse. Write down everything that’s important to you. Keep it in a safe place.
When you meet a guy you think is special, take out your list and see how he measures up.
If he doesn’t, don’t waste your time dating him! And while you’re at it, make another list of the qualities to develop in yourself to attract the spouse of your dreams!
When The Vows Break
Unfortunately, all marriages are touched by disease in some manner or degree. Because we are human, we are sinners and our sin creates moral bacteria that can spread.
There may be a sickness of the body or of the mind. There may be unfaithfulness to a spouse, to the family, and to God. There may be pride, selfishness, and narcissism that eat away at the little daily stones of the way. There may be abuse—physical, verbal, or emotional. There may be dependencies, alcoholism, and other addictions that impede emotional availability as it draws the very life and breath out of both partners.
After marrying young, my marriage relationship had stayed on the rocks, a story I detail in my book Stones in the River. The years that followed were visited by argument, stress, and several painful miscarriages.
But there had been happiness too. Which made the dark times hurt all the more.
After several miscarriages, I longed for my husband’s attention and words of encouragement.
He didn’t know what to do with me.
We had struggled with our relationship from the beginning, but neither of us could discuss it with the other. In addition, things had begun to surface that I could not live with for a lifetime.
As the reality of our incompatibility set in, the silence began between us, a relational wasteland with no highs and no lows, though we were careful to cover it up in front of others.
I’d longed to be the woman who broke the chain of divorce and marital sorrow in my family… but it was not to be.
Faced with the Finite
Divorce is a real fact of life. Often God allows us to make mistakes, just as we allow our children to make mistakes. We are God’s children, even when we turn our back on Him and refuse to obey.
My husband and I intended to keep the vows we had made to each other on our wedding day. We had two beautiful daughters who became the most important consideration of love in our lives.
We truly cared for one another, even through the broken commitment of our wedding vows.
I will never be able to justify our divorce in God’s eyes. But I can share my story, so that others, as well as myself, can learn from the heartbreak of a broken world—and to know that redemption, peace, and even love are stored away for us in the aftermath.
Rebuilding after Failure
How do you rebuild your life after failure? How do rebuild your character? Your self-respect? Your sense of a “better” self? Your self-esteem?
What about your precious children? Your parents and your family? How would you build a home filled with love when you have been disobedient and rebellious?
You turn to the Lord and begin again.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him
And He will make your paths straight.”—Proverbs 3:5-6
I would love to hear more of your own marriage journey story, so leave a comment below so I can pray with and for you and encourage you on your own journey.
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